Wednesday, March 31, 2010
An April Fool's Day Clinic Visit....
GoodLuck Buddy Walk-In Clinic
66613 Public Option Loop West, Omigosh, WY
PATIENT NAME: WEASELSPAT, SCOOBER T.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS: Worms.
CHIEF COMPLAINT: "I really, really don't like the chief."
The patient is a 44-year-old male with a history of spackle and longstanding muleskinner blues who presented to the Drama Department on 04/01 boasting of whacked shivers and alluvial bonk once a day, every day and all day long since Tuesday. The patient is a poor geographer.
ALLERGIES: Air and water.
MEDICATIONS: Asafetida 3 g suspension around neck as needed, Brillo 1 pad wet to underarm twice a day, Remotil 2 whiffs something awful, Wazoo Powder up nose half the time, Dramatix 600 mg daily with regrets and Whuptidoo p.r.n. for blinking shizzles.
PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Uncomplimentary.
PAST SURGICAL HISTORY: Left rib smackdown with toggle x3, DermaBlonde closure of right nostril for no good reason, childhood appendix transplant. The patient had a Harley-Poot procedure and reversal last year.
SOCIAL HISTORY: A cursing home resident. Denies having any kind of fun, ever.
FAMILY HISTORY: Positive for a mother and father.
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION: Vinyl size table. GENERAL: Curled up in the corner, honking loudly. HEEHEE: Zither versus whackster astrolabes noted within the woozle mucosa. Entirely ridiculous otherwise. Oriented to the date of April 01. HEART: Rattly rate in rhumba, no runs, no hits, no errors. HINEY: Deferred. LUNGS: Two. ABDOMEN: Old bees, Mom tends her. No gargling or Reba hound. EXTREMITIES: Extreme. NEUROLOGIC: Like urologic, but with NE.
IMPRESSION: Good, first.
The patient improved promptly upon slapping and was further disciplined with a Schlitz-Borney strap. The patient tolerated the indignity well. Wonka Cream 90 g topical to elbows daily until square. The patient left against all odds.
photo courtesy of cartoonstock.com
at 8:36 PM