~Living a life of sophisticated domestication deep in the heart of Texas~

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

An April Fool's Day Clinic Visit....




04/01/2010
GoodLuck Buddy Walk-In Clinic
66613 Public Option Loop West, Omigosh, WY

PATIENT NAME: WEASELSPAT, SCOOBER T.

FINAL DIAGNOSIS: Worms.

CHIEF COMPLAINT: "I really, really don't like the chief."
The patient is a 44-year-old male with a history of spackle and longstanding muleskinner blues who presented to the Drama Department on 04/01 boasting of whacked shivers and alluvial bonk once a day, every day and all day long since Tuesday. The patient is a poor geographer.

ALLERGIES: Air and water.

MEDICATIONS: Asafetida 3 g suspension around neck as needed, Brillo 1 pad wet to underarm twice a day, Remotil 2 whiffs something awful, Wazoo Powder up nose half the time, Dramatix 600 mg daily with regrets and Whuptidoo p.r.n. for blinking shizzles.

PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Uncomplimentary.

PAST SURGICAL HISTORY: Left rib smackdown with toggle x3, DermaBlonde closure of right nostril for no good reason, childhood appendix transplant. The patient had a Harley-Poot procedure and reversal last year.

SOCIAL HISTORY: A cursing home resident. Denies having any kind of fun, ever.

FAMILY HISTORY: Positive for a mother and father.

PHYSICAL EXAMINATION: Vinyl size table. GENERAL: Curled up in the corner, honking loudly. HEEHEE: Zither versus whackster astrolabes noted within the woozle mucosa. Entirely ridiculous otherwise. Oriented to the date of April 01. HEART: Rattly rate in rhumba, no runs, no hits, no errors. HINEY: Deferred. LUNGS: Two. ABDOMEN: Old bees, Mom tends her. No gargling or Reba hound. EXTREMITIES: Extreme. NEUROLOGIC: Like urologic, but with NE.

IMPRESSION: Good, first.
The patient improved promptly upon slapping and was further disciplined with a Schlitz-Borney strap. The patient tolerated the indignity well. Wonka Cream 90 g topical to elbows daily until square. The patient left against all odds.

SGTex
****


photo courtesy of cartoonstock.com

2 comments:

vegakitty said...

Strangely enough, I've heard dictations that were comparable to that. As I'm sure you have, too.

Carol said...

Great post, Noel! What make it so funny, is how real a lot of it is! Long live our dictators! At least they provide us a laugh once in awhile.